2012

2012 was....well I'm not sure what it was exactly.  It was so many things.  It was the year I realized that the way I planned my life was not in my control.  I learned that E and I would not be able to start a family like we wanted and we had so many obstacles ahead of us.  This was such a trying year on my sanity, my body, my heart, my faith, and my marriage.  I was on a hamster wheel of cycles.  Each month doing the same thing or even trying harder with the same outcome.  As I sit here typing this I still have not got off that damn wheel.  I keep turning it hoping there will be an end one day.  After so long you just feel plum crazy for continuing.  

I have always considered myself a spiritual person and put all my faith in God, but this year that was tested.  After begging God for the same thing for so long I couldn't help but feel forgotten.  Maybe I wasn't worthy of a child.  Maybe I didn't love God enough or didn't attend church enough or wasn't thankful for what I had enough.  How could such a loving God leave me with such hurt?  Through all that I realized that He hasn't forgotten about me, but is making this journey into a masterpiece.  Molding it into such a great love story that I could not deny his handywork.  I had to go through the struggle to see the light.

This year also punished my body.  I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person I see.  My face is much rounder, my clothes do not fit, and it looks like the body of someone so much older now.  I'm not sure if it is the depression or the medications that are causing the weight gain.  Besides my vanity, my body hurts all the time.  I'm exhausted and in pain.  After work each day I just want to lay down and never get up.  I've always been so active so not having the energy anymore is heartbreaking.

Lastly, my marriage was put through a very trying time.  E and I have pretty much had it made.  We work our asses off and things have always worked out for us.  We are intensely in love and crazy about each other.  So struggling with IF is not something we ever saw coming.  We had to lean on each other so hard sometimes that the person being the rock at the moment almost couldn't handle it.  We questioned whether we could make it through this.  After your sex life becomes so timed and so many discussions about bodily functions could we still be hot for each other?  When you feel like such a failure could the other person still see you as something worth being with?  The answer is yes.  I learned that my husband is one of the strongest men that I have ever known.  He knows exactly how to comfort me and be my rock.  When he is down I am his rock.  I always thought we had a good marriage  but I never realized how fucking amazing it was!  Seeing my husband as such strong person has only made me want him more. Many couples will never be tested the way IF couples are.  After going through all of this I know we can make it through anything.  So for that I guess I need to thank IF.  If we hadn't gone through this I would have never known how blessed we really were to have each other.

I'm ready to put 2012 behind me.  I'm ready to move forward and see what 2013 has in store.  This is a chapter of my life I'm ready to close and only look back on to see the broken road that led us to where we will be.  So goodbye 2012!  Thanks for the life lessons and story.  Hello 2013!  I'm ready for your blessings!!

Progesterone

Today I am 8 days past my trigger and with the holiday I stopped testing it out.  Now I'm scared to even test because if there is any line it's going to mess with my head.  I might just wait for the beta.

Today my progesterone came back at 5.9 which is horrible!  I don't understand how my RE is trying to fix my progesterone problem, but only making it worse.  WTF??!!

Hopefully I'll have a better post for you this week, but I'm just swamped with work right now.  Have a great day ladies!!

-L

CD12 - 1dp trigger

Today is 1 day past my trigger.  I just realized that we should know if this cycle was successful or not right before New Year's.  So I will either be ringing in the new year with A LOT of champagne or hopefully be drinking mocktails because I'll be KU.  Oh God please let it be the second one!

I decided to test out my trigger so here is 1 day past:

Even though the shot didn't hurt at all to administer, today the injection spot is really sore.  Ouch!  I really hope the trigger leaves my system quickly so it won't mess with my mind.  I don't know if anyone else that has triggered had  this thought, but I thought about how sad it would be if the only time I ever see a positive pregnancy test would be from a trigger.  I have so many mixed feelings from this crazy cycle so far.

-L

Trigger Shot

After posting yesterday I decided to call my RE for some insight.  Shirley told me to test again today and call her back.  E and I went ahead and covered our bases last night just in case, but sexathon was supposed to start yesterday anyway.  During my FW E and I maybe overdo it a little (pun intended), but we basically bang it out like Olympic gold medalist. I call that our sexathons.

Anyway,  I tested today and got a negative.  Called Shirley and she said to go in for bloodwork. If my progesterone comes back near 2 then I've already ovulated and it's done with.  If not, we are still set to go.  My progesterone came back at 4.7 so clearly I ovulated yesterday or early today.  However, RE still wanted me to take trigger because she says it will support my progesterone.  I thought this was cray cray.  I found a few things online about it so I just decided to trust her this time.  And for your viewing pleasure I have documented my first at home shot ever lol.  Please don't judge my terrible manicure or chubby belly :)

What the what?!

So today is CD10 for me and also the day I always start testing with OPKs.  Up until now I always get very clear negatives until the positive.  I've never really had a fade in pattern to mine.  Anyway, after testing today I got this:

I'm pretty sure that is still negative, but it is so close to positive it has me scratching my head.  Is the Metformin screwing up my OPKs or am I going to O so early I won't even get to trigger this cycle?  I don't go in for monitoring until Wednesday so I'm praying this is just a fluke.  Ahh!

What do you all think?

-L

Low glycemic diet

Oh yeah, this is going to be fun.  I really really hate dieting!  Which is one reason my weight has ballooned this year.  However, based on some testing it looks like I need to try a low glycemic diet.

I tried looking up some information online about it, but ended up more confused than I started.  So last night E and I went to the book store and picked me up this fun reading material (I'm sure you can sense my sarcasm):

Anyway, I'll give it a shot if it will keep my RE off my back and keep the treatment coming.  I'm afraid she is going to cut me off if I don't lose weight and get my insulin level under control.

I'm about to become one mean hungry girl.  For some reason I become the devil when dieting.  Pray for E. lol.

-L

CD3: It's Showtime!

After waiting what felt like forever for my test results, here they are.  My Vitamin D is 18 which is considered deficient.  My testosterone was 0.55 which is on the low side, but she said it was ok.  My insulin was 16.6 which is much to high for me.  So here is the plan:

First, I will be taking 500mg of Metformin everyday for the next two months at least.  This is supposed to help with the insulin and sugar processing problem.  So far I am pretty nauseous the morning after taking it and a little dizzy.

Second, I will be taking 4000iu Vitamin D for the next two months until I go back for another check.  No side effects from this so far.

Third, starting today through CD7 I am taking 5mg of Letrozole for ovulation stimulation.  This is double the dose of what I've been taking the past two cycles.

I'll go in for monitoring on CD14 to see if we have a follicle big enough to trigger.  If so, E will be stabbing me with this needle to signal the egg that it is game time! 

We are just doing TI this month since RE seems to think we have a pretty good chance without an IUI.  Let's hope she is right. Also, she will not put me on progesterone supplements until my draw on 7dpo because she thinks she can fix the progesterone problem from the front in with all that I previously mentioned.  Of course if it is low she will have me start the progesterone.  Anyone else have an RE doing the same instead of just having you start progesterone before the draw?

When E came home with all my meds I got really happy for some weird reason.  Like looking at all of that gave me hope.  I have a really good feeling about Santa bringing me the best Christmas gift ever.  

-L

PCOS?

Yesterday E and I saw our RE.  She is such an awkward little mousy woman.  She comes in, sits down and just stares at us with this awkward smile.  She doesn't say anything for what felt like forever.  Finally she said really odd like, "So.. you're here to discuss uh next steps?".  I thought really, this bish has no clue why we are here?!  She is the one who asked us to come in!   Well anyway, she reviewed my progesterone problem and explained how she thinks I'm having trouble ovulating strong enough to sustain good progesterone.

Then she decides that I need to be checked for PCOS again, or wait, was I ever checked for it?!  I know I've done a ton of blood work and ultrasounds, but being tested for insulin resistant and all that jazz I'm not sure.  So they took some blood and explained if it comes back that I am insulin resistant she wants me on Metformin for 6 weeks with no other treatment.  If I come back all good then we can proceed with Letrozole, trigger at home, and TI. She thinks that we have a good shot at that working without doing an IUI right now. Shirley came in and showed us how to give the trigger shot (which I'm letting E do because I'd never have the guts to do it myself) and sent us on our way.

As of today I'm still waiting on AF and my blood work results.  I got online and saw that only my Vitamin D level had came back so far and it was low enough to be considered deficient.  Not sure what that means or what she wants to do about it.

I would love to hear from you ladies if you know anything about low Vit D or any of this stuff that just got thrown at me.  I'm praying no PCOS so I can continue treatment and not sit out for 6 weeks.

I'm back bishes!

I'm finally ready to come out of my hiatus.  I just really needed a break.  Sometimes you just can't bring yourself to keep talking about the shitty IF journey you are in.  I feel better now and refreshed!

So let me update you on last month.  We did 2.5mg of Femera and timed intercourse.  My progesterone came back at 9.something.  After she said 9 I was so let down I didn't even hear the last part of it.  So RE decided to put me on progesterone suppositories which are disgusting!  They are these little pink balls that I have to put up inside me every 12 hours.  On top of being messy they make me feel like crap.  I have been tired, nauseous, headaches, sore body, etc.  It is not the best thing I've experienced.  Then that brings us to today.  I had my beta this morning.  Just got the call that it was negative.  Pretty much what I expected, but still stings. 

So I'm waiting to hear back on an appointment with RE to see what the game plan is going forward.  Here is how I feel today:

 

-L

Hello there

I just wanted to pop in and give a little update.  I'm not in a good place right now mentally.  I didn't think Femera had side effects, but I have been crying for two days (which is so not me).  E thinks I've given up just when we are so close.  I'm blaming IF for taking away so much of my life including Christmas now.  It's so depressing what IF turns you into.  My body has changed, my sex life, my personal life, my friends, and now Christmas.  We are really skimping on Christmas to pay for an IUI if this cycle doesn't work out.  Life is just not fair.

I am rambling.  Currently I'm on CD9.  I'm not sure how much I will actually be blogging this month.  At this moment I do not feel like blogging, looking at TB or anything else baby related.  I'm just exhausted.

But I love you all and I'm always thinking of you!  Hopefully I'll get out of the rut soon and be able to come back.

-L

November's Plan

Well, it's CD1 again.  I let myself cheat on my diet today because I felt sorry for myself. Haha!  I want to reflect on this last cycle though.  I need to find the good in it.  So the Letrozole did help with my progesterone which was the highest it's ever been at 16.1!!! Also, it helped lengthen my LP by 1 day!!  So I'd say besides getting me knocked up it was pretty successful.  :)

Let me introduce you to a character in my life now since she is becoming a regular.  Her name is Shirley.  Shirley works for Dr. Eisenberg, my RE, and I'm not exactly sure what she does.  She might do billing?  I'm not sure how I got her direct number, but somehow she get shit done for me so I keep calling her.  I think I'm supposed to be calling my nurse, but Shirley has never told me to stop calling her and I think she likes me lol.

Anyway, I called Shirley today to let her know AF showed.  She called back and said Dr. Eisenberg wants me on the same dosage of Letrozole this month and if we are not pregnant this time I need to come in for an appointment.  It sounds like Dr. E will want to have a sit down talk about the next step?  I'm not sure.  What do y'all think we would need to talk about?  I have to pay her almost $200 just to have an appointment so I figured if we need to move on to IUI in December a quick phone call would do right?  I don't know.

Let's all just pray this coming month is it!  E is taking Fertility Blend for men right now so I am hoping that will help too.

-L

Moving forward

Looks like this cycle was a bust.  I tested at 10, 11, and 12DPO all were BFN.  I fully expect AF to be here tomorrow.  Just by looking at the calendar and realizing we will be out of state for Thanksgiving, I realize IUI is not a good choice this coming up cycle.  I'm going to call my RE when AF comes and see what she wants to do with us. 

Honestly, I'm doing better than I thought I would.  I really had my hopes up this month.  I had daydreamed for a week about all the details of how I would tell E and my parents.  I cried a little before going into the gym on Saturday, but besides that I have held it together.  I just know a big breakdown is coming soon though.  You can only be strong for so long....

-L

What is going on?

I don't know what is up with me this week, but I am just not myself.  For one, I have not been able to fall asleep and find myself tossing and turning trying to get to sleep.  I'm not in pain.  It's more like I have a million things on my mind for some reason.  They are not even important thoughts, just a lot of them.  I feel so anxious like trying to fall asleep the  night before something exciting....except nothing exciting is awaiting me the next day.
Maybe it's anxiety?  But where would the anxiety be coming from?  I just wish I could get some sleep and calm my thoughts.  No amount of meditation or yoga is helping me now.

Also, I'm feeling really down on myself about my weight.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  I think some of it can be contributed to the stress/depression of IF.  I love to work out, but dieting is sooooo hard for me!!  Literally two days into a diet and I've already cheated.  Ugh!  I'm embarrassed for friends or family to see me like this too.  I hardly recognize how round my face has become. 

Okay okay, pity party over!  I'm going to go count sheep and pray for some sleep!

-L

P4 Check!!

They literally only took an hour and a half to let me know that my progesterone is 16.1!!!!!!!!

That is the highest number I have ever had!  I am so thankful that the Femera helped with my progesterone just like my RE said she thought it would.  Now just to wait it out another week to see if the cycle was a success in the pregnancy department!

Happy Halloween!

I will be going in for my P4 test today and I'll be sure to update tomorrow, but today I want to make this post all about Halloween!  I love this holiday!  I'm not too much of a decorator yet, but when we have kids I'm going to go all out on spooking out the house.  For now, E and I just have a lot of fun dressing up.  We even stay in character the whole night.

This year I went as a kitty cat and E went as Aladeen from the movie The Dictator:

This was our first year not doing a couple themed costume. We went to a friend's house party and then out to a pub crawl.  I think Halloween is the wildest holiday around here!  Everyone was a mess.  Except me because of course I am still not drinking, but I still had a blast!

Now for your viewing pleasure, costumes from the past with E and I..... (I wasn't able to find all the years)

2011- From the move Burlesque

2010- Jersey Shore "Snookie" and "Ron" (We had the whole cast too)

2009- Greek Gods

Have a fun and safe Halloween!!!

-L



Blog Award!

The sweet Alexis at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award! 

Here are the questions she gave me:

1. Do you remember your Dreams? Most of them I do.  I have very vivid dreams as well.  The craziest part is that a lot of times my dreams are what I consider "premonitions".  They usually end up happening.

2. What was the last thing you bought? Besides groceries, I bought a pair of yellow/goldish skinny jeans for Vandy games. :)

3. Is the glass half empty or half full? Depends on the day lol.  Today half full!

4. What's under your bed? Space saver bags full of winter clothes I need to pull out, a couple small suitcases, and bin with my flat shoes in them.

5. Have you ever won the lottery? I think I won $7 dollars a few months ago.
6.  Are you a morning person or a night owl? Probably more of a night owl.

7. text or phone call? Phone call.  A lot of time when my friends text me I just call them back to answer. 

8. Do you sing in the shower? Not usually.  I blare music though ;)

9. If you could change something about your home with out

 worrying about expense or mess what would it be? So many things!  First would be all hardwood floors.  We have about 50% of our home in carpet and I hate it.  I'm so grossed out by carpet.

10. Do you blog for yourself or for your followers?  It started out just for myself so I could document this whole journey I'm on with IF, but now I think if someone going through the same thing can benefit from it I would love it.  Dealing with IF can feel lonely sometimes so it's nice to know someone has been in your shoes and is there for you.  I'd like to be that person for someone.

11. Why did you start blogging?  To document my IF journey and to get out how I'm feeling.

 

 

 

Now for my own nominations!:

 

-Sabrina at Free Aire

-Kristy at Strength, Hope, and Everything In Between

-Patty at Love on a Dark Street

-Nicole at In Nic's Mind

 

Here are my questions for you:

 

1. What is an interesting fact about yourself no one would know?

2. What do you do in your spare time?

3. What one thing are you most proud of?

4. If you had unlimited money for one week, how would you spend it?

5. Where is your favorite vacation spot?

6. What is the most daring thing you've ever done?

7. Who influences you the most?

8. What one thing confuses you the most about your husband?

9. What is your most favorite meal?

10. What was the last law you broke?

11. If you had to wear one color forever, what would it be?

 

(Copy and past the questions then answer them, nominate fellow bloggers with less than 200 followers 

make sure to save the photo above to use when you post about your award)

 

-L

I hate you FF!!

For the first time I am really mad at FF!  I could have sworn I O'd on CD13 based on ovulation pain, RE monitoring, positive OPK and temp spike the next morning.  However, now FF is saying I most likely O'd on CD15 because of the positive OPK on CD14 as well and continuing temp spike.

Our timing with the new O date is now O-3, O-2, and O-1.  That's right, we missed O day. Ugh!! I guess that timing is still good and E still thinks our chances are good.  Please look at my chart and give me your opinion.  So instead of going in today to get the blood draw I am thinking tomorrow or Wednesday.  I freaking hate charting!! 

-L

Amen

Quick update

I have to make this quick and run, but yesterday I went in for my monitoring appointment with my RE.  It's clear that we will have to start scheduling these earlier in my cycle if this month doesn't work out because I O'd the same day I went in.  She said I had a very large follie and one a bit smaller than that ready to go.  Most likely I only had one follie make it though.  Yesterday after my appointment I had O pains which the only time I've ever had those was yesterday and the cycle I was on Clomid.  Interesting.  I also got a positive OPK yesterday evening.

This morning my temp spiked, but I still had a positive OPK this morning as well.  I go in for blood work on Monday so I'm praying my progesterone is at a normal level for a medicated cycle.

Also, E says he feels really good about this cycle and thinks this is it.  I hope his intuition is right!  But, he said if this cycle doesn't work out he is ready to move on to IUI!  I think he is getting tired of waiting and just ready to be aggressive with it.  I'm really happy that we are finally on the same page with treatment.  But here is hoping we don't have to do anymore!! 

I just found out my acupuncturist is closing down her community style sessions and only doing private so I am moving to a new practice after this month.  I'm so sad to stop seeing her, but I need the prices that only community style can offer. 

Now let's all pray the sperm finds the egg this cycle!!

-L

CD 13

For the first time in months I think I might actually O text book style.  Based on my CM and temps plummeting today I think I am going to O tonight or tomorrow.  I go to my RE today for monitoring so I'm excited to see what she says too.  Hopefully I'll have one big follie ready to go!   Remember back when you were anxious for your first day of school, prom, or your wedding?  That is the same excited anxiety I'm having about O'ing this month.  I know that is super weird, but I am just excited to have a chance to get KU.

Also, I'm running by to see my acupuncturist again today.  I took a break from her for a month or so just to give myself a break from all of this IF crap, but I feel like I really need her now.  She is one of those people that just makes me feel like everything is right in the world and helps me stay calm.  Maybe she will have a plan to help support a healthy ovulation too.

E and I have started opening up to some of our closer friends about our IF as well.  I'm not really sure why except that maybe it helps us recognize that this is real and it's not anything to hide or be ashamed of.  I'm not sure it's a good idea, but it feels more natural than hiding it.  So far everyone has been really sweet.  I spent some time with my friend who just had a baby on Saturday.  I told her what I am going through and she was just full of "advice" that no one going through IF wants to hear.  "Relax, don't take corporation drugs, let the sperm build up then have sex, etc." It was a flurry of uneducated reproductive information.  But I just have to keep reminding myself that if you haven't went through it, it can be hard to understand.  I can't expect her or anyone else to know all the details that we do and most likely she is trying to help.  Still, it burns when someone is telling you crazy stuff that you know better than because you have spent over a year researching it.  But, that's what we get for telling people....

-L

I love this!

My best friend J sent me a chat this morning about something she heard on the radio that made her think of me.  She warned me it is a little emotional, but that she knows E and I will be great parents and can't wait until we have this news to celebrate as well.  She is seriously such a blessing in my life and I'm not sure what I would do without her.  Here is the radio clip:

Jenn's Big Announcement / IF Journey

-L

CD9

Most people seem to dread the time between ovulation and your period (2ww), but not me.  I find that to be the least stressful time in a cycle.  You've done all you can do and now you just sit and wait for a BFP or AF to show.  That time seems to go by pretty fast for me. 
What I really hate is the time leading up to ovulation.  It feels like time is slowly creeping by.  Everyday you are drinking green tea, lots of water, and some drink POM juice (yuck).  You are peeing on ovulation predictor tests twice a day and of course checking for all signs of O.  This stresses me out big time!  Especially being on a medicated cycle I'm not exactly sure when O will come for sure.  I usually O on CD16, but who knows if it will change this month?!  I'm always worried our timing won't be perfect.  So sex-a-thon starts today.  I try every other day until I get a positive OPK then everyday, but I still always wonder if that is good enough. 
So as you can see waiting and watching for something to come and hoping you're doing everything perfectly is very stressful! 
But I'm feeling very optimistic about this cycle so far so I'm keeping my fingers crossed this will work!

On another note, we had household changes again.  My SIL moved out yesterday due to disagreements between her and E.  She is very mad at him right now, but he did nothing wrong.  He is worried for her and looking out for her best interest.  She is not really one to take responsibility for her own actions and constantly makes herself the victim.  I hate to see them at odds, but I know it is what is best for all of us right now.  Hopefully with our home being just to the two of us again my stress level will go down dramatically.

Hope you all have a lovely day!

-L

Little Wonders

Came across this song today that uplifted me.  Hope you enjoy!

-L

CD 6

Tomorrow is my last day of Letrozole.  I literally have no side effects which makes me almost wonder how could this little pill even help?  Just like anyone else TTC I have have so many mixed emotions during the day.  I start out thinking it will never work then end up feeling like this is totally going to work.  I feel like a nut case!  Here is the magic little pill:

Also, I started drinking green tea and temping again.  I think my BBT is dying a slow death so I'm worried my temps will be all over the place as they clearly already are. 

Yesterday, my yoga teacher pulled me aside to talk to me about my acne.  Yes, I have dealt with horrible acne since my early teens and nothing has ever helped it.  I have tried almost everything!  Now that I'm TTC there are very few things I can use that are safe.  He pulled me aside to let me know he had dealt with the same thing and the only thing that helped was cutting out dairy.  Apparently some people have a dairy allergy that causes acne.  So I've decided to give it a try.  You'd be surprised how many things you eat have dairy in them!  This will be a struggle, but if I get good results I promise to do a before and after photo. 

-L

CD3: Day 1 of Letrozole

Today was day 1 of Letrozole.  I will continue taking one 2.5mg pill a day until CD7.  My RE decided not to do Progesterone this cycle because she thinks the Letrozole will fix my progesterone.  We will see about that one since Clomid was supposed to do that and actually made my progesterone lower.  I'll go in on the 22nd for monitoring and then for bloodwork on CD21. 

That is all for me today, but I wanted to give a big shout out to my friend Sabrina who is KTFU!!!  Congrats again girl!  You are going to make a great mommy!!

-L

CD1

So just as expected and right on time for me, AF came today.  I feel like crap physically, but I'm really excited to start a medicated cycle. 

I called my RE this morning to let her know it was CD1, now I'm just waiting to hear back on the specifics.  I'm ready!!

-L

Weekend Recap

This past weekend my parents were in town from Missouri and we had such a great visit with them.  My parents are seriously my best friends so being around them is exactly what I needed during this stressful time.  They know how to calm me down and give me the best advice.

We are having a lot of crazy family drama happening in my husbands family right now.  I can't really talk about it on here, but any prayers for strength and serenity would be greatly appreciated.

Yesterday, my friend and I went to a place called Center of Symmetry and bought a bunch of new age stuff for getting me KU.  It's actually kind of silly, but so are we.  Here is a little Venus figure you are supposed to carry around with you to help promote fertility.  Again, so silly.

Today I am 12DPO.  I took a test this morning and BFN as expected.  However, I found a pharmacy within my husband's company and Letrozole will only cost me $5 through them!!!  At any other pharmacy it will be $100.  That was a blessing that I really needed right now.  Hopefully AF will show up tomorrow and we can get this show on the road!

-L

Circle & Bloom

I finally bought in to Circle & Bloom.  For those of you who aren't familiar, Circle & Bloom is a series of guided audio meditation and visualization for those trying to conceive.  They have a set for natural cycles and a set for IUI/IVF cycling. 

This is the download I purchased.  You can find more info here.  I listened to cycle day 22 last night and I can say it is very relaxing!  I fell asleep right after.  I'm excited to start using it from CD1 next month!  There are many good reviews on it so if you are super stressed like me it's worth checking out.  Also, you can search for discounts for the downloads on google.

So today is CD23 and I think I am about 7 days past ovulation (DPO).  Even though my chances for this cycle are slim to none, I have a crap ton of pee sticks so I think I might actually start testing at 9 or 10 DPO.

-L

Crazy Lady

I forgot to tell you that I finally got that cute onsie in that I plan on being my "announcement" to E.  It is perfect too!  So I wrapped it in this little gift box that I can open and slip a test in underneath when the time comes.  I'm hiding it in my bathroom counter because I know when I finally get a positive test I won't last two steps outside the bathroom before telling E.

Also, I was having a crappy IF day yesterday so I did something I have never done.  I thought if I would buy something for future baby it would put good vibes out to the universe.  So I bought this....

When E got home I made the mistake of showing him my buy and now he thinks I'm officially crazy.  He doesn't think you should buy anything for a baby that doesn't exist yet.  I'm pretty sure he thinks I've lost touch with reality lol.  And then I felt really stupid for buying it.  He just said "you are silly".  Oh well, whatever gets me through the day.

-L

Don't Say Anything At All

I have nothing nice to say today.  I'm completely overwhelmed by all the crazy people in my life that I'm about to snap.  So instead of being all doom and gloom I'll just post a couple quotes about how I feel today.

The Things We Can Not Say

This topic is a constant battle for people going through IF.  Biting your tongue when someone will not stop talking about their pregnancy or children.  For me, let's get a little more specific.  About 7 girls on my facebook have announced their pregnancy in the past two months.  So as you can imagine my news feed is not short of daily updates on the status of their utes. Here are my problems with facebook and pregnancy:

1. When I see someone announce before the pee stick is even dry I just cringe.  Knowing how fragile a pregnancy is in the first trimester I get so nervous for these girls.  I hate that I think this way, but I always pray for them that nothing goes wrong because they have already put it out there.  I've watched several friends do this then lose the baby only to have the pain worsen by explaining the loss multiple times.  It is not a good idea to announce your pregnancy so early ladies!

2.  My cousin just announced her pregnancy only 5 weeks into it and literally every day is complaining about a new symptom.  It is taking all my strength not to comment on her post.  Nothing pisses me off more than hearing women complain non-stop about something I would kill to have!  I know they do not know my struggle, but you'd think she'd have one good thing to say about being pregnant!  I'm going to avoid her at all cost in real life.

3.  The girl who updates us daily on what her baby (she is only 7 weeks pregnant) wants to eat today.  "Baby want cereal and now!"  "Baby LOVES pasta!" and on and on and on.  Really?  Have you never read a pregnancy book in your entire life.  Do you really believe your baby is craving that food?  Shut up you flucking idiot!

I know I could just hide them on the new feed, but I'm nervous if something happens or when they have the baby I won't see it to congratulate them on facebook and look like a bad cousin because that has already happened once.

Whew! Glad I got that out of my system.  I'm so grateful for my bump girls that know what I'm going through.  I have no idea what I would do without y'all!

-L

Lonely O

Just as I thought I got a positive OPK yesterday which means I either ovulated late yesterday or today.  That would put my timing at O-5 or O-6.  Yeah, not gonna happen. 

E has been out of town all week and I miss him like crazy!  Things are going well so far with my sister in-law.  I'm praying it remains this way.  The next problem is that my parents are coming in town next weekend and I'm going to have to ask my SIL to stay somewhere else for the weekend.  She is sleeping and living out of my spare room where my parents usually stay and my future nursery is filled with all her belongings from her house.  Therefore, there is no where for her to stay when my parents get here.  Hope she takes it well!

-L

Your Precious Love

Not much baby related to discuss today so I thought I'd talk about something random.  I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned why my blog is called what it is. 

When E and I first started dating we used to listen to Otis Redding all the time and dance silly, a lot of "Dirty Dancing" movie moves were going down as well like this one:

Just kidding.  It was more of her dorky moves

Ok I'm so off track now.  Anyway, one day we came across this song and it literally took our breath away.  It just says more than anything how we feel about each other and moves me emotionally more than any song ever has.  We decided to make it our first dance at our wedding.  Just the title reminds me of the things you do for For Your Precious Love.  Enjoy!

-L

Change of Plans

Last week I got a call from my RE.  She just confirmed what I already knew that my HSG came back normal.  Then she told me how she knows this wasn't our plan, but she would like to see how I respond to letrozole before doing an IUI with it.  She said E's SA is not one she considers IUI to be necessary.  So basically she wants to see if we can get KU without spending the money on an IUI.  We could wait until January to start any treatments at all, but she suggests starting with Letrozole alone.

For those who don't know, Letrozole is an ovary stimulating drug to help ovulate.  It seems I ovulate on my own so from what I understand this will help make eggs more mature or possible ovulate more than one to help with our odds.

I discussed it with E and he said "Let's do it!".  He also thinks this is a good plan.  So starting next cycle, which is probably about two weeks away, I will start Letrozole and Progesterone since mine is on the low side.  I'm so excited to be starting a treatment sooner than January!

I have a really good feeling about this and everything crossed that it works for me!!!

-L

Addition to our home

Well, this weekend was an interesting one.  I'm not sure I've really discussed my in-laws too much on here since it is a sensitive subject for me.  About a year ago or so my sister in law and I got into a huge fight, I mean HUGE, and we've been trying to rebuild our relationship since.  We are very different in that I am super sensitive, emotional, and wear my heart on my sleeve.  She is very strong, does not act like much bothers her, and a little guarded.  Anyway, she has come to live with us while she starts the process of divorce. 

This was is a big deal for us because we are so used to it being just the two of us, but it's family.  I would never in a million years turn away family.  Plus, I'm hoping this will maybe mend our relationship and make us closer.  I have extreme anxiety about it all and I just need lots and lots of prayers for her and for me.  I love her very much and just hope E and I can help her get through this rough time.

Also, I have to update you on the baby making plan since it has changed (for the better), but I'll leave that for my next post!

-L

My Poor Ute!

HSG is done and my tubes are clear!  However, my ute wants to punch me in the face for getting this test done.  That was about the worst pain I have felt in a long time.  It hurt a little as they put the tube in, but once the dye started going in I about lost it.  I screamed, yelled, and even threw a few F bombs out there to make things really interesting at 9 in the morning in a dr's office.  I almost fainted so the nurse put cold rags on my face to help.  Fun stuff kids!

This is what the images from a normal HSG would look like (this is not my image though):

You can see how the dye runs out of the tubes showing them clear. 

So now we are done with testing and just trying on our own for the next few months.  We have October, November and December to make this baby happen naturally!  September is already a bust since E will be away on business. 

-L

This is going to sound crazy....

But what would be the difference from all my other posts! Ha!  This story starts back last year at Octoberfest.  E and I had just started trying for a baby and had no clue what was in store for us.  I walked by this psychic reading table and thought I'd see what she had to say.  She was a beautiful Egyptian woman that was so sweet and made me feel so at peace.  She kept hitting the nail on the head with everything she said!  She described by grandfather perfectly, my personality, things between E and I that only we know, etc.  It was insane! At the end of it she said, "I know you are trying for a family, but you need to know that I see trouble in the area for you.  You need to see a specialist.  It's nothing big at all, but you need to see a doctor.  However, I see you pregnant with twins in just over a year.  One is a boy and one is a girl". By the end of the reading I was teary just because of what she knew about my feelings and my grandfather who I miss dearly, but I was skeptical about the fertility part since I had no previous gyno issues.

Fast forward about a year, I have been trying to find this girl for a while now since we did end up having trouble getting pregnant and I could not find her anywhere!  Until this weekend.  I was walking at the fair and basically ran into her booth!  I thought "oh my God, this is meant to be."  I did not tell her that I spoke with her last year.  She did another reading for me and knew about E going back to school, where I am with my job now, the status of my in-laws relationship with me and she said "You have had no luck getting pregnant yet, but the next 2-3 months I see a pregnancy for you.  It is a twin pregnancy with a boy and a girl".  Seriously?!  Again, the same prediction. 

Now I am not saying I put a lot of stock in psychics.  I think they are fun and interesting.  I have gone to quite a few, but never has anyone known what this lady knows.  Now all I can do is pray she is right about the next 2-3 months.  I don't necessarily want twins, but I'll take anything God brings my way!  I hate to say it, but she did help make me optimistic (at least for the next few months)!  Oh and a pic of us from the fair.

-L

HSG Scheduled

After about 6 phone calls back and forth I finally have my HSG scheduled for next Wednesday.  Because of my insurance coverage it will only cost me $32!  I am so nervous about the pain though.  My SIS was supposed to be painless and I almost threw up/passed out from how bad it hurt!  So I am going to pop a couple Tylenol and pray really hard before it.

Tonight the fair is in town so E and a couple of my friends are going to eat our weight in funnel cakes and ride rusty old farris wheels.  I haven't been to the fair since high school so I'm a little too excited about going!  On Saturday I have one of my besties birthday party and a Vandy game to go to.  Then Sunday is dedicated to cleaning this atrocious house!

Hope you have a great weekend!

-L

CD 1

Tears, lots of tears.  I secretly got my hopes up that this was our month.  How perfect would it be to get pregnant on our 2nd Anniversary in Jamaica.  What a great story that would be!  On top of my hopes, I got the flu yesterday and was home ill today.  That totally is just pregnancy symptoms right?  F**k no it wasn't.

Right after I started my mom called to tell me my cousin was pregnant again.  I love my mom so much, but no matter how hard she tries she just cannot understand what I'm going through.

So we move forward because we have no other choice.  My RE called and said my insurance will cover 90% of the HSG which will be scheduled for next week or so.  It's really the last test to be done for us.  Oh I forgot to tell you the icing on the cake!  E has to travel for work and will be out of state the week I will most likely ovulate.

How hard to I have  to pray, cry, beg and plead before I catch a break?

-L

Dreams

I have this reoccurring dream (as I'm sure most women who are TTC do) that I wake up, take a test and it's positive.  Then I take like six more and they are all positive.  I feel surprised, shocked, excited, and all the other emotions that go along with it. 

And then I wake up.

It's such torture that my mind does to me.  I want to feel those feelings in real life.  I want to see a positive test just once!  I'm so scared the only place I'll ever see a positive test and have those feelings is in my dreams.

It's been a rough IF week.  I swear about 7 girls announced their pregnancies on facebook last week.  I had to remind a close friend that what I'm going through is private and I do not wish for her to share my story with random people that say they went through IF as well.  The same friend sends me multiple invites to baby clothing websites.  I know she has no ill intentions whatsoever, but it is insensitive nonetheless.

On another note,  I am really close to buying my first baby item.  I haven't up until now because I thought it might jinx me or something like that, but I really want to have this ready when I finally do get a BFP.

E is majorly obsessed with BMW's and of course we have owned a few by now so I think this is fitting!

-L

Back from vacation!

And it was amazing!  All we did was eat, drink and be happy!  It's so silly, but after we come home from a vacation E and I will chat or text all day because we had got 8 days of nothing but each other for 24/7 and we just can't bear a whole day without talking lol.  Here are a few pics:

I wish I could go back right now!

No updates in babyland right now.  Still trying to drop weight, get healthy and minimize stress by not charting or any of that other stuff.  IUI in January 2013 if we don't get KU before then!

-L

Worthless Monday

I can not get focused today! This time next week I will be on my way to St. James Jamaica for our 2nd year anniversary.  I've already finished up all my deadlines at work and so now instead of preparing for next month all I can do today is day dream.

We are staying at an adults only resort called Secrets.  I am so pumped about this!  Wish I would have got my body in better shape before vacation, but it is what it is.  We are just happy to be getting away and having no worries for 8 days!

-L

Diagnosed

RE called me today to let me know she has diagnosed us with unexplained infertility.  This came as a surprise since E's SAs have not came back completely normal and neither is my progesterone, but I guess I'll take it.  I don't know if that is good or bad.  She did say she wants us to get in tip top shape before coming in for the IUI which was our plan all along anyway.

I just don't know what to think.....

Sucky blogger

I know I have been MIA lately.  I've been trying to stay away from anything that reminds me of this shitty IF journey for the time being.  So let me start with the good news.  After having a specialist look at my ultrasounds from the SHG they have decided the mass they found in my ute is not a polyp and does not need to be removed.  The exact word they used was "artifact", yes artifact.  So what the hell is an artifact?  I'd love to know since when I asked the nurse she said "oh, it could be anything, but nothing to worry about".  Sounds like they found an ancient fossil left behind by the Mayans in my ute. Whatever.  I'm so over doctor's and nurses never having a definite answer for me and I always feel like they are skirting around something. But all in all, I guess it's good news that I don't have to have a surgery.

The bad news.  Today is CD1 so I'm in a shitastic mood.  For me, I kept setting little milestones to keep myself sane.  For instance, "we will so be pregnant by Christmas".  Then Christmas comes and goes with no baby.  "We will so be pregnant by our birthdays"  Oh yeah, turned 27 with an empty ute.  Now it was, "I will be knocked up by our anniversary and vacation"  with CD1 being here today that is obviously not going to happen with vaca in two weeks.  We haven't even started treatment yet and I'm ready to give up.  I want to lose hope so that I can stop being disappointed.  I'm so tired of putting my heart through this.  E and I keep telling ourselves it will all be worth it, but what if there is never an "it"?  What if we put ourselves through treatments and years of heartache with no baby in the end?  I hate thinking like that, but it's impossible not to worry.  I feel bitter, jealous, and hateful.

But damn do I do a good job of hiding all of it from everyone.  I'm tired of hiding....

Work out from Hell

Yesterday I started Jamie Eason's Live Fit 12 week trainer.  Today I feel like I am dying!  I've never really worked with weights at the gym, but stuck to my cardio machines.  So needless to say, my muscles are horribly sore.  The diet is okay so far.  Just several small meals a day.  Hopefully I can stick with it!!

Click here to see the Live Fit Plan!

Lots of Updates

Today was my SHG.  After all the research I did on this procedure I really thought it might be uncomfortable, but did not expect it to hurt so much!  I don't think I'm in the majority with my experience though.  RE said the nerve endings in my cervix must be really sensitive for it to hurt that much.  I literally thought I was going to vomit it hurt so bad.  Once the catheter was in and the fluid was running the pain went away.  My ovaries looked good with a nice size follicle on the right side.  Uterine lining was normal.  RE said both tubes seem to be open.  And then the bad news.....  They found a polyp in my uterus that looks suspicious.  She is having it reviewed by another RE and Surgeon, but surgery to remove it looks inevitable.  She does think it might be a cause to why we haven't gotten pregnant.  So I should hear back on the surgery next Thursday to see when it will be done.

Okay now for E's 2nd SA results.  Morphology went WAYYY up!!!  No real explanation for it either.  It just is.  I am so happy about this even with the downside.  His motility went down a bit and so did concentration.  RE thinks with a better diet and vitamins we can improve this on our own.  However, right now as it stands we are in the perfect range for an IUI.

I was also very happy that my RE agrees with our plan.  First, get this polyp removed.  Second, lose weight and get in shape.  Then we will have a good foundation to start treatments with.  Diet starts Monday!

-L

AMH Level is in

The RE lab tech called today to tell me that my AMH level was 6.6.  She said anything over 1 is normal.  Of course I am googling this like crazy now, but seem to find about the same thing although I really don't understand it fully yet.  She told me she wants to discuss my progesterone when I come in for my SHG which I have scheduled next Thursday.  EEEEK! I'm a little nervous about this "gushing" of saline I have heard about, but more nervous about sitting down with the RE and going over our options at this point. 

E has his 2nd SA tomorrow.  He doesn't seem as nervous this time around since he kind of knows what to expect.  Praying so hard that his numbers come back better than last time!!! 

Today is CD2.  AF came a day earlier than normal which gave me an 11 day luteul phase.  A little on the short side.  Anyway,  please put in a little prayer for E's numbers tomorrow if you can!

-L

Giving Myself a Break

For now, I think I have decided to stop charting my temps.  I think since we have decided to spend the next few months getting healthy and lowering our stress, I'm going to let go of obsessing over each temp or each OPK test.  I'm such a control freak so we will see how long this last! 

Also, this blog may take a little detour for a while.  I'm still going to update on anything TTC related, but I may try to blog about the other aspects of my life as well.  You should expect to see reviews on beauty products, fitness related posts, and anything worth telling in my personal life. 

-L

Some test results

I got a call from the lab tech today saying my progesterone was 10.3 which they consider low and my prolactin was 9.8 which she says is normal.  She said she will talk to the RE to see if she wants to do anything about my progesterone at this point and call me back.  Still haven't heard from her.

On another note, E and I came to somewhat agreeable terms today.  After our anniversary vacation end of August, he wants us both to give up anything that is considered bad, start a very strict diet, and working out way more often.  E already works out a lot and eats well so this shouldn't be a struggle for him.  I on the other hand am slightly overweight for my height and am pretty much a lazy butt.  Anyway, he asked that I give getting healthier my best try for three months and if it doesn't happen naturally for us he has agreed to move forward with treatment.  I feel good about this because at least it will give us time to save up some money for treatment too.  However, this diet may kill me.  I'm just so happy we reached an understanding and are both willing to move forward OUR goal.

-L

First RE Appointment

I don't even know where to begin.  It was so much information and a lot to take in.  We talked about our health history and currently where we stand.  She told E that he needs to stop a lot of the work out supplements he takes and I swear I saw his heart drop.  She did blood work on me to test progesterone, prolactin, and a bunch of other stuff.  She explained that E needs another SA and I a SHG.  Then she talked about a couple options.....

Option #1:  If E's SA comes back comparable to what the first was then she recommends we go straight into Letrozole with a trigger shot and an IUI. 

Option #2: E's SA comes back with normal numbers then we just start Femera and try on our own a few cycles.

I mainly feel confused by her and scattered.  Also, E has shut off a little bit.  He doesn't want to talk about IUI as an option right now because he feels it is too drastic.  He truly feels that we are going to get pregnant naturally.  I've prayed every night that he is right about that, but it just might not be the case.  I hope that he just needs time to process all of this and then will be on board for whatever gives us the best chance. 

So for now, we scheduled the 2nd SA for July 20th and I'll call to set up my SHG when/if CD1 comes.  I should get all my blood work back tomorrow and I'll update with that too.  After all the testing I think E and I will sit down with our RE and maybe even an IF counselor to work through any concerns and get on the same page.  This sucks!

-L

Music Fav

I have had this song stuck in my head for a few days and thought I should share.  Enjoy!

Ding! Ding! Ding! Round 11

Yep, it's that time again....

I hope AF doesn't win this round!

-L

Birthday Surprises!

Yesterday was my birthday and I was reminded of how blessed I really am.  First, my friends J and C came by my "office" to surprise me with cupcakes and a wonderful present from J.  I had been talking for a long time about these fertility necklaces that I wanted.  J found the perfect one and surprised me with it yesterday.

We had lunch at my favorite Mexican spot and then they brought me home.  Then, I got the most beautiful flowers delivered to me from my parents!

Last, E told me to get dressed up so he could take me to dinner.  He takes me to my favorite sushi place where a bunch of my friends were waiting to surprise me!  I couldn't help but to get a little emotional looking around the table at all these amazing people that I am blessed to have in my life.  I couldn't have asked for a better birthday!!!

Here is a pic from last night.  Our eyes look crazy from the flash!

-L

Cycle 11

Not much to update on right now.  Cycle 11 came about 5 days ago.  I actually wasn't too upset this time.  Maybe it's because I know we are going to see an RE soon and I'm putting all my hope into that.  Or maybe I'm just all cried out for right now.  For now, we are going to try a couple cycles naturally I think. 

After actually receiving the paper copy of E's SA I am a little bit discouraged.  I don't really know what to think of it or what it all really means.  E does not want to see it right now.  He says it will stress him out too much to not have answers right this moment.  I did order a bunch of vitamins that are supposed to help with sperm issues and he has started taking those.  Now all we can do is sit back and hope for the best.

-L

Too Cute!

The Next Step

Let me give you the little back story of my experience with my OB so far.  First, we had E do an SA in May.  My OB's office called and said everything looked normal with 60 million count with 49% motility.  I took her word for it and was on my way happy as could be.  When I saw her a couple days ago I asked to see the SA.  On there it said he had a 3% morphology which was also marked as abnormal.  Why hadn't she disclosed this to me?!  She said he made up for the morphology with his count.  Strike one.

Then, she told me she wanted me to go on Clomid.  I made sure to ask her if I would be monitored and she said yes.  Apparently what she meant by monitoring was drawing my blood and not the ultrasounds as I had meant.  Strike two.

So today I get a call from my OB's office letting me know that they got back my progesterone level and it was normal.  I asked what the number was.  She said, "Umm looks like it's at 3.5 which is normal".  From all the research I've ever done I know this is way too low.  Then she said, "you will probably ovulate soon".  I explained to her I was 9dpo at the time of the test and that 3.5 is way too low considering my last blood draw when I was not on Clomid was 13.5.  She only had the explanation of "well Dr. so and so says that is normal".  That was strike three for me.

I'm done with her.  E and I decided there is no way I will continue taking Clomid unmonitored especially when it looks like I already O on my own.  I feel so stupid and like she got one over on me.  I immediately started searching for an RE after getting off the phone with them.  We now have a consultation set for July 12th.  Both E and I are very settled and happy with this decision.  If there is a problem we want to treat it, not just throw the first drug she can think of at it.  I'm disappointed in how this has all gone down, but I'm happy we've taken the next step.  We have also decided to focus a lot more on our health and enjoying just being the two of us for now.  We were getting way too wrapped up in TTC that we left a few important things behind.

-L