2012

2012 was....well I'm not sure what it was exactly.  It was so many things.  It was the year I realized that the way I planned my life was not in my control.  I learned that E and I would not be able to start a family like we wanted and we had so many obstacles ahead of us.  This was such a trying year on my sanity, my body, my heart, my faith, and my marriage.  I was on a hamster wheel of cycles.  Each month doing the same thing or even trying harder with the same outcome.  As I sit here typing this I still have not got off that damn wheel.  I keep turning it hoping there will be an end one day.  After so long you just feel plum crazy for continuing.  

I have always considered myself a spiritual person and put all my faith in God, but this year that was tested.  After begging God for the same thing for so long I couldn't help but feel forgotten.  Maybe I wasn't worthy of a child.  Maybe I didn't love God enough or didn't attend church enough or wasn't thankful for what I had enough.  How could such a loving God leave me with such hurt?  Through all that I realized that He hasn't forgotten about me, but is making this journey into a masterpiece.  Molding it into such a great love story that I could not deny his handywork.  I had to go through the struggle to see the light.

This year also punished my body.  I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person I see.  My face is much rounder, my clothes do not fit, and it looks like the body of someone so much older now.  I'm not sure if it is the depression or the medications that are causing the weight gain.  Besides my vanity, my body hurts all the time.  I'm exhausted and in pain.  After work each day I just want to lay down and never get up.  I've always been so active so not having the energy anymore is heartbreaking.

Lastly, my marriage was put through a very trying time.  E and I have pretty much had it made.  We work our asses off and things have always worked out for us.  We are intensely in love and crazy about each other.  So struggling with IF is not something we ever saw coming.  We had to lean on each other so hard sometimes that the person being the rock at the moment almost couldn't handle it.  We questioned whether we could make it through this.  After your sex life becomes so timed and so many discussions about bodily functions could we still be hot for each other?  When you feel like such a failure could the other person still see you as something worth being with?  The answer is yes.  I learned that my husband is one of the strongest men that I have ever known.  He knows exactly how to comfort me and be my rock.  When he is down I am his rock.  I always thought we had a good marriage  but I never realized how fucking amazing it was!  Seeing my husband as such strong person has only made me want him more. Many couples will never be tested the way IF couples are.  After going through all of this I know we can make it through anything.  So for that I guess I need to thank IF.  If we hadn't gone through this I would have never known how blessed we really were to have each other.

I'm ready to put 2012 behind me.  I'm ready to move forward and see what 2013 has in store.  This is a chapter of my life I'm ready to close and only look back on to see the broken road that led us to where we will be.  So goodbye 2012!  Thanks for the life lessons and story.  Hello 2013!  I'm ready for your blessings!!