Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Cycle 11

Not much to update on right now.  Cycle 11 came about 5 days ago.  I actually wasn't too upset this time.  Maybe it's because I know we are going to see an RE soon and I'm putting all my hope into that.  Or maybe I'm just all cried out for right now.  For now, we are going to try a couple cycles naturally I think. 

After actually receiving the paper copy of E's SA I am a little bit discouraged.  I don't really know what to think of it or what it all really means.  E does not want to see it right now.  He says it will stress him out too much to not have answers right this moment.  I did order a bunch of vitamins that are supposed to help with sperm issues and he has started taking those.  Now all we can do is sit back and hope for the best.

-L

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Next Step

Let me give you the little back story of my experience with my OB so far.  First, we had E do an SA in May.  My OB's office called and said everything looked normal with 60 million count with 49% motility.  I took her word for it and was on my way happy as could be.  When I saw her a couple days ago I asked to see the SA.  On there it said he had a 3% morphology which was also marked as abnormal.  Why hadn't she disclosed this to me?!  She said he made up for the morphology with his count.  Strike one.

Then, she told me she wanted me to go on Clomid.  I made sure to ask her if I would be monitored and she said yes.  Apparently what she meant by monitoring was drawing my blood and not the ultrasounds as I had meant.  Strike two.

So today I get a call from my OB's office letting me know that they got back my progesterone level and it was normal.  I asked what the number was.  She said, "Umm looks like it's at 3.5 which is normal".  From all the research I've ever done I know this is way too low.  Then she said, "you will probably ovulate soon".  I explained to her I was 9dpo at the time of the test and that 3.5 is way too low considering my last blood draw when I was not on Clomid was 13.5.  She only had the explanation of "well Dr. so and so says that is normal".  That was strike three for me.

I'm done with her.  E and I decided there is no way I will continue taking Clomid unmonitored especially when it looks like I already O on my own.  I feel so stupid and like she got one over on me.  I immediately started searching for an RE after getting off the phone with them.  We now have a consultation set for July 12th.  Both E and I are very settled and happy with this decision.  If there is a problem we want to treat it, not just throw the first drug she can think of at it.  I'm disappointed in how this has all gone down, but I'm happy we've taken the next step.  We have also decided to focus a lot more on our health and enjoying just being the two of us for now.  We were getting way too wrapped up in TTC that we left a few important things behind.

-L

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Holy Mother of Meltdowns!

I am finally seeing the end of this pathetic little pity party I've been throwing myself since last night and thank God!  I guess during this process you always amp yourself up a little thinking about ways to announce you are pregnant, what baby item to buy first, or who to tell first because who are we kidding you are totes KTFU this month! Then reality hits at some point and you end up a sobbing mess in the middle of your bed or with a glass of wine if you're real fancy lol.  So this was me last night.  I got a text message from one of my dearest friends telling me she was pregnant with her second baby just 9 months or so after having her first.  Now let me start off by saying I am ecstatic for her.  She is an amazing mother and that baby is so blessed to have her.  These were not tears of envy or anger.  They were simply tears of sadness. I instantly felt like will I ever get to send a text like that or will I ever even get pregnant?  I think that's all it took for E to snap and finally tell me how he is feeling.

E explained that he is sad right there with me, but feels like he has no one to talk to because he is always trying to be my rock and support me.  Then came my tears of sorrow for E ever feeling any ounce of pain during this process.  The last thing I ever want is for him to be sad or stressed about what we are going through, but this is our reality and we have to face sadness sometimes.  We talked for a long time, laughed, and in the end felt a lot better.  Sometimes we all just have days we need to get a good cry in.

With that said, I am 10DPO right now.  Took a test this morning and it was BFN.  I'm still holding out hope though by stalking other charts that had a negative before a positive (totally healthy right?).

-L

Friday, June 15, 2012

My talk with God

Today is 6 days past ovulation.  For some reason I am so anxious this cycle.  My emotions are all over the place and I'm experiencing feelings I've never had before.  The past few days I was so angry.  Angry that I was having to start fertility treatment, angry that I can't control this situation, and angry that everyone else seems to be getting the one thing I want so badly.  Now I know it is not rational to envy others getting pregnant when you are not, but I couldn't help it.  While saying congrats and smiling, I was aching deep down in my soul.  I begged God to give me that same blessing.

Then yesterday I was driving through this little country area when the sun came through the trees so beautiful and I was overcome.  I felt God.  My heart truly felt like it was soaring and I felt the warmth come over me.  I heard the words "I am a mother" and I almost wanted to cry.  I felt the comfort that I am going to be a mother and I need to trust in God.  Now either I am going crazy so I'm running through too many emotions for my brain to handle or I truly had a talk with God.  I choose to believe the second option.



So now on a more medical note.  Yesterday at 5DPO I woke up with a very small amount of spotting.  This is yet another new experience for me.  It could be a lot of different things, but I don't think it is anything to worry about at this point.  I plan on discussing it with my doctor on Monday.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

-L

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

3 Days Past Ovulation

On Saturday I went to test at my normal time and got this:


That's right, I got a positive OPK on CD14 which means I O'd on CD15.  That is the earliest I've O'd in a really long time.  I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the Clomid, but either way I'm happy. 

However, my post O temps are much lower than normal.  I'm trying to not let it worry me, but it's a little strange from what I usually experience.  On Monday I am going for bloodwork to check my progesterone again to confirm ovulation and speak with my doctor.

I'm praying with everything I have that this is our cycle. 

-L

Thursday, June 7, 2012

My thoughts on Clomid

While I'm just twiddling my thumbs waiting for O I thought I'd give you my Clomid update.  So I took Clomid from CD5-CD9.  The first day I felt nothing.  The second day was hell.  I cried for several hours straight about an hour after taking the pill.  That night and every following night I had horrible night sweats.   I would wake up soaking wet and burning on fire!  On a few different occasions I had what they call "Clomid Rage".  Normal stuff that normally doesn't bother me would make me so overly angry.  The side affects of Clomid suck for me, but I'm hoping it will be well worth it!

Now I'm just drinking green tea and POM juice everyday up until O.  My mother is in town this week which is also my FW I think, so BD'ing has been a little tricky lol.  But we will make it work!

-L