Hello there

I just wanted to pop in and give a little update.  I'm not in a good place right now mentally.  I didn't think Femera had side effects, but I have been crying for two days (which is so not me).  E thinks I've given up just when we are so close.  I'm blaming IF for taking away so much of my life including Christmas now.  It's so depressing what IF turns you into.  My body has changed, my sex life, my personal life, my friends, and now Christmas.  We are really skimping on Christmas to pay for an IUI if this cycle doesn't work out.  Life is just not fair.

I am rambling.  Currently I'm on CD9.  I'm not sure how much I will actually be blogging this month.  At this moment I do not feel like blogging, looking at TB or anything else baby related.  I'm just exhausted.

But I love you all and I'm always thinking of you!  Hopefully I'll get out of the rut soon and be able to come back.

-L

November's Plan

Well, it's CD1 again.  I let myself cheat on my diet today because I felt sorry for myself. Haha!  I want to reflect on this last cycle though.  I need to find the good in it.  So the Letrozole did help with my progesterone which was the highest it's ever been at 16.1!!! Also, it helped lengthen my LP by 1 day!!  So I'd say besides getting me knocked up it was pretty successful.  :)

Let me introduce you to a character in my life now since she is becoming a regular.  Her name is Shirley.  Shirley works for Dr. Eisenberg, my RE, and I'm not exactly sure what she does.  She might do billing?  I'm not sure how I got her direct number, but somehow she get shit done for me so I keep calling her.  I think I'm supposed to be calling my nurse, but Shirley has never told me to stop calling her and I think she likes me lol.

Anyway, I called Shirley today to let her know AF showed.  She called back and said Dr. Eisenberg wants me on the same dosage of Letrozole this month and if we are not pregnant this time I need to come in for an appointment.  It sounds like Dr. E will want to have a sit down talk about the next step?  I'm not sure.  What do y'all think we would need to talk about?  I have to pay her almost $200 just to have an appointment so I figured if we need to move on to IUI in December a quick phone call would do right?  I don't know.

Let's all just pray this coming month is it!  E is taking Fertility Blend for men right now so I am hoping that will help too.

-L

Moving forward

Looks like this cycle was a bust.  I tested at 10, 11, and 12DPO all were BFN.  I fully expect AF to be here tomorrow.  Just by looking at the calendar and realizing we will be out of state for Thanksgiving, I realize IUI is not a good choice this coming up cycle.  I'm going to call my RE when AF comes and see what she wants to do with us. 

Honestly, I'm doing better than I thought I would.  I really had my hopes up this month.  I had daydreamed for a week about all the details of how I would tell E and my parents.  I cried a little before going into the gym on Saturday, but besides that I have held it together.  I just know a big breakdown is coming soon though.  You can only be strong for so long....

-L

What is going on?

I don't know what is up with me this week, but I am just not myself.  For one, I have not been able to fall asleep and find myself tossing and turning trying to get to sleep.  I'm not in pain.  It's more like I have a million things on my mind for some reason.  They are not even important thoughts, just a lot of them.  I feel so anxious like trying to fall asleep the  night before something exciting....except nothing exciting is awaiting me the next day.
Maybe it's anxiety?  But where would the anxiety be coming from?  I just wish I could get some sleep and calm my thoughts.  No amount of meditation or yoga is helping me now.

Also, I'm feeling really down on myself about my weight.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  I think some of it can be contributed to the stress/depression of IF.  I love to work out, but dieting is sooooo hard for me!!  Literally two days into a diet and I've already cheated.  Ugh!  I'm embarrassed for friends or family to see me like this too.  I hardly recognize how round my face has become. 

Okay okay, pity party over!  I'm going to go count sheep and pray for some sleep!

-L