Worthless Monday

I can not get focused today! This time next week I will be on my way to St. James Jamaica for our 2nd year anniversary.  I've already finished up all my deadlines at work and so now instead of preparing for next month all I can do today is day dream.

We are staying at an adults only resort called Secrets.  I am so pumped about this!  Wish I would have got my body in better shape before vacation, but it is what it is.  We are just happy to be getting away and having no worries for 8 days!

-L

Diagnosed

RE called me today to let me know she has diagnosed us with unexplained infertility.  This came as a surprise since E's SAs have not came back completely normal and neither is my progesterone, but I guess I'll take it.  I don't know if that is good or bad.  She did say she wants us to get in tip top shape before coming in for the IUI which was our plan all along anyway.

I just don't know what to think.....

Sucky blogger

I know I have been MIA lately.  I've been trying to stay away from anything that reminds me of this shitty IF journey for the time being.  So let me start with the good news.  After having a specialist look at my ultrasounds from the SHG they have decided the mass they found in my ute is not a polyp and does not need to be removed.  The exact word they used was "artifact", yes artifact.  So what the hell is an artifact?  I'd love to know since when I asked the nurse she said "oh, it could be anything, but nothing to worry about".  Sounds like they found an ancient fossil left behind by the Mayans in my ute. Whatever.  I'm so over doctor's and nurses never having a definite answer for me and I always feel like they are skirting around something. But all in all, I guess it's good news that I don't have to have a surgery.

The bad news.  Today is CD1 so I'm in a shitastic mood.  For me, I kept setting little milestones to keep myself sane.  For instance, "we will so be pregnant by Christmas".  Then Christmas comes and goes with no baby.  "We will so be pregnant by our birthdays"  Oh yeah, turned 27 with an empty ute.  Now it was, "I will be knocked up by our anniversary and vacation"  with CD1 being here today that is obviously not going to happen with vaca in two weeks.  We haven't even started treatment yet and I'm ready to give up.  I want to lose hope so that I can stop being disappointed.  I'm so tired of putting my heart through this.  E and I keep telling ourselves it will all be worth it, but what if there is never an "it"?  What if we put ourselves through treatments and years of heartache with no baby in the end?  I hate thinking like that, but it's impossible not to worry.  I feel bitter, jealous, and hateful.

But damn do I do a good job of hiding all of it from everyone.  I'm tired of hiding....