2012

2012 was....well I'm not sure what it was exactly.  It was so many things.  It was the year I realized that the way I planned my life was not in my control.  I learned that E and I would not be able to start a family like we wanted and we had so many obstacles ahead of us.  This was such a trying year on my sanity, my body, my heart, my faith, and my marriage.  I was on a hamster wheel of cycles.  Each month doing the same thing or even trying harder with the same outcome.  As I sit here typing this I still have not got off that damn wheel.  I keep turning it hoping there will be an end one day.  After so long you just feel plum crazy for continuing.  

I have always considered myself a spiritual person and put all my faith in God, but this year that was tested.  After begging God for the same thing for so long I couldn't help but feel forgotten.  Maybe I wasn't worthy of a child.  Maybe I didn't love God enough or didn't attend church enough or wasn't thankful for what I had enough.  How could such a loving God leave me with such hurt?  Through all that I realized that He hasn't forgotten about me, but is making this journey into a masterpiece.  Molding it into such a great love story that I could not deny his handywork.  I had to go through the struggle to see the light.

This year also punished my body.  I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person I see.  My face is much rounder, my clothes do not fit, and it looks like the body of someone so much older now.  I'm not sure if it is the depression or the medications that are causing the weight gain.  Besides my vanity, my body hurts all the time.  I'm exhausted and in pain.  After work each day I just want to lay down and never get up.  I've always been so active so not having the energy anymore is heartbreaking.

Lastly, my marriage was put through a very trying time.  E and I have pretty much had it made.  We work our asses off and things have always worked out for us.  We are intensely in love and crazy about each other.  So struggling with IF is not something we ever saw coming.  We had to lean on each other so hard sometimes that the person being the rock at the moment almost couldn't handle it.  We questioned whether we could make it through this.  After your sex life becomes so timed and so many discussions about bodily functions could we still be hot for each other?  When you feel like such a failure could the other person still see you as something worth being with?  The answer is yes.  I learned that my husband is one of the strongest men that I have ever known.  He knows exactly how to comfort me and be my rock.  When he is down I am his rock.  I always thought we had a good marriage  but I never realized how fucking amazing it was!  Seeing my husband as such strong person has only made me want him more. Many couples will never be tested the way IF couples are.  After going through all of this I know we can make it through anything.  So for that I guess I need to thank IF.  If we hadn't gone through this I would have never known how blessed we really were to have each other.

I'm ready to put 2012 behind me.  I'm ready to move forward and see what 2013 has in store.  This is a chapter of my life I'm ready to close and only look back on to see the broken road that led us to where we will be.  So goodbye 2012!  Thanks for the life lessons and story.  Hello 2013!  I'm ready for your blessings!!

Progesterone

Today I am 8 days past my trigger and with the holiday I stopped testing it out.  Now I'm scared to even test because if there is any line it's going to mess with my head.  I might just wait for the beta.

Today my progesterone came back at 5.9 which is horrible!  I don't understand how my RE is trying to fix my progesterone problem, but only making it worse.  WTF??!!

Hopefully I'll have a better post for you this week, but I'm just swamped with work right now.  Have a great day ladies!!

-L

CD12 - 1dp trigger

Today is 1 day past my trigger.  I just realized that we should know if this cycle was successful or not right before New Year's.  So I will either be ringing in the new year with A LOT of champagne or hopefully be drinking mocktails because I'll be KU.  Oh God please let it be the second one!

I decided to test out my trigger so here is 1 day past:

Even though the shot didn't hurt at all to administer, today the injection spot is really sore.  Ouch!  I really hope the trigger leaves my system quickly so it won't mess with my mind.  I don't know if anyone else that has triggered had  this thought, but I thought about how sad it would be if the only time I ever see a positive pregnancy test would be from a trigger.  I have so many mixed feelings from this crazy cycle so far.

-L

Trigger Shot

After posting yesterday I decided to call my RE for some insight.  Shirley told me to test again today and call her back.  E and I went ahead and covered our bases last night just in case, but sexathon was supposed to start yesterday anyway.  During my FW E and I maybe overdo it a little (pun intended), but we basically bang it out like Olympic gold medalist. I call that our sexathons.

Anyway,  I tested today and got a negative.  Called Shirley and she said to go in for bloodwork. If my progesterone comes back near 2 then I've already ovulated and it's done with.  If not, we are still set to go.  My progesterone came back at 4.7 so clearly I ovulated yesterday or early today.  However, RE still wanted me to take trigger because she says it will support my progesterone.  I thought this was cray cray.  I found a few things online about it so I just decided to trust her this time.  And for your viewing pleasure I have documented my first at home shot ever lol.  Please don't judge my terrible manicure or chubby belly :)

What the what?!

So today is CD10 for me and also the day I always start testing with OPKs.  Up until now I always get very clear negatives until the positive.  I've never really had a fade in pattern to mine.  Anyway, after testing today I got this:

I'm pretty sure that is still negative, but it is so close to positive it has me scratching my head.  Is the Metformin screwing up my OPKs or am I going to O so early I won't even get to trigger this cycle?  I don't go in for monitoring until Wednesday so I'm praying this is just a fluke.  Ahh!

What do you all think?

-L

Low glycemic diet

Oh yeah, this is going to be fun.  I really really hate dieting!  Which is one reason my weight has ballooned this year.  However, based on some testing it looks like I need to try a low glycemic diet.

I tried looking up some information online about it, but ended up more confused than I started.  So last night E and I went to the book store and picked me up this fun reading material (I'm sure you can sense my sarcasm):

Anyway, I'll give it a shot if it will keep my RE off my back and keep the treatment coming.  I'm afraid she is going to cut me off if I don't lose weight and get my insulin level under control.

I'm about to become one mean hungry girl.  For some reason I become the devil when dieting.  Pray for E. lol.

-L

CD3: It's Showtime!

After waiting what felt like forever for my test results, here they are.  My Vitamin D is 18 which is considered deficient.  My testosterone was 0.55 which is on the low side, but she said it was ok.  My insulin was 16.6 which is much to high for me.  So here is the plan:

First, I will be taking 500mg of Metformin everyday for the next two months at least.  This is supposed to help with the insulin and sugar processing problem.  So far I am pretty nauseous the morning after taking it and a little dizzy.

Second, I will be taking 4000iu Vitamin D for the next two months until I go back for another check.  No side effects from this so far.

Third, starting today through CD7 I am taking 5mg of Letrozole for ovulation stimulation.  This is double the dose of what I've been taking the past two cycles.

I'll go in for monitoring on CD14 to see if we have a follicle big enough to trigger.  If so, E will be stabbing me with this needle to signal the egg that it is game time! 

We are just doing TI this month since RE seems to think we have a pretty good chance without an IUI.  Let's hope she is right. Also, she will not put me on progesterone supplements until my draw on 7dpo because she thinks she can fix the progesterone problem from the front in with all that I previously mentioned.  Of course if it is low she will have me start the progesterone.  Anyone else have an RE doing the same instead of just having you start progesterone before the draw?

When E came home with all my meds I got really happy for some weird reason.  Like looking at all of that gave me hope.  I have a really good feeling about Santa bringing me the best Christmas gift ever.  

-L

PCOS?

Yesterday E and I saw our RE.  She is such an awkward little mousy woman.  She comes in, sits down and just stares at us with this awkward smile.  She doesn't say anything for what felt like forever.  Finally she said really odd like, "So.. you're here to discuss uh next steps?".  I thought really, this bish has no clue why we are here?!  She is the one who asked us to come in!   Well anyway, she reviewed my progesterone problem and explained how she thinks I'm having trouble ovulating strong enough to sustain good progesterone.

Then she decides that I need to be checked for PCOS again, or wait, was I ever checked for it?!  I know I've done a ton of blood work and ultrasounds, but being tested for insulin resistant and all that jazz I'm not sure.  So they took some blood and explained if it comes back that I am insulin resistant she wants me on Metformin for 6 weeks with no other treatment.  If I come back all good then we can proceed with Letrozole, trigger at home, and TI. She thinks that we have a good shot at that working without doing an IUI right now. Shirley came in and showed us how to give the trigger shot (which I'm letting E do because I'd never have the guts to do it myself) and sent us on our way.

As of today I'm still waiting on AF and my blood work results.  I got online and saw that only my Vitamin D level had came back so far and it was low enough to be considered deficient.  Not sure what that means or what she wants to do about it.

I would love to hear from you ladies if you know anything about low Vit D or any of this stuff that just got thrown at me.  I'm praying no PCOS so I can continue treatment and not sit out for 6 weeks.

I'm back bishes!

I'm finally ready to come out of my hiatus.  I just really needed a break.  Sometimes you just can't bring yourself to keep talking about the shitty IF journey you are in.  I feel better now and refreshed!

So let me update you on last month.  We did 2.5mg of Femera and timed intercourse.  My progesterone came back at 9.something.  After she said 9 I was so let down I didn't even hear the last part of it.  So RE decided to put me on progesterone suppositories which are disgusting!  They are these little pink balls that I have to put up inside me every 12 hours.  On top of being messy they make me feel like crap.  I have been tired, nauseous, headaches, sore body, etc.  It is not the best thing I've experienced.  Then that brings us to today.  I had my beta this morning.  Just got the call that it was negative.  Pretty much what I expected, but still stings. 

So I'm waiting to hear back on an appointment with RE to see what the game plan is going forward.  Here is how I feel today:

 

-L